The world is a greyscale

I wrote this post a while back but I’ve had trouble publishing it. I felt it might be good for others and then all of a sudden I felt small and insignificant. I am just me, and why would anyone care what I have to say, and why do I think I could make a difference? But the whole point of this post is to share things and open up. So if I don’t post it I wouldn’t believe in myself or my thoughts on this. So here we go.

I feel like we have lost our way in talking about how we are doing. For many it seems to be rather black and white; you’re either fine or you’re not (and if we are not fine, we lie about it). It’s so unrealistic, we are all more nuanced than that. The world is a greyscale.

Most things in my life are good, very good. But there are a few aspects that are difficult and some that keep me up at night. Lately I have tried to answer the question “with”how are you”, that we almost say without thinking about it, with: “I’m doing alright. A bit tired”. Because one can definitely be okay and not, at the same time. In fact, most of us are.

Of course, depending on the social circumstance, a question like that from an acquaintance can’t be followed by us pouring out everything about our lives. But the reality is that we have so much going on in our lives, it makes sense that some parts are good and some not. It’s of course important to find a good balance, stay positive and focus on what’s good in our lives. There’s a danger in mostly voicing the negative and complaining too much; it can take a hold of us and become harder to work through.

I mostly share positive, calm or cozy things in my channels. Why trouble followers and strangers with my woes in life? But it’s gotten to a point where peoples lives seem so perfect on social media, that it leads to a lot of stress and anxiety. I knew someone that seemed so happy and successful, but that suffered behind the smiles and Instagram photos. Sadly the hardships won that battle and she is no longer with us. Lately I find myself enjoying more honest and nuanced content from other people. I love the thoughts and personal texts shared by Jessy Easton for that reason.

So, for a change, in this post I want to talk about things that are not so good. Because my life also is not perfect. And moving forward I will try and be more nuanced and transparent in what I share. If you want to, feel free to share some hardships you’re dealing with in the comments. I think it’s important to talk about them, keeping it inside is bad for our own mental health. If we start to be more honest and open about the nuances of our lives, hopefully we can break the stigma that everything is supposed to always be fine. We cannot go on showing only the good parts of our lives. It’s not the reality, for anyone.

I am tired, uninspired & worried about finances

I feel like i’ve been tired for weeks. I’ve been exhausted from work. When I came home from all my work trips it took a lot of energy to recover from the experiences and impressions. My energy depot was depleted, my inspiration for photography gone. Even the joy a little bit. I needed a break from it all. Luckily the holidays are here so work has slowed down, and I’ve been able to delve into pottery. But it’s hard when you work with something creative and the joy and inspiration for it disappears.

On top of that, we are considering buying the house we are currently renting (not a great time for that, I know). I know nothing about buying property; what to look for, what you need to know to get a loan, interest rates. So I have a lot to learn. I am also the only one reading up on things and trying to figure all of it out, since the information is in Swedish. I then need to understand enough to inform Dan about it (for those that don’t know, my partner is Canadian). If I get something wrong he will assume that’s how it works and might not be able to check it. This is not something he has put on me, I’ve taken it on myself and now I feel a lot of pressure to do it well.

Getting a loan and owning a house will increase our monthly expenses a lot and I worry if I can afford that with the line of work I’m in. These things are constantly nagging at the back of my head and they impact my sleep and focus while working. Pair that with some more heavy, private things that I worry about, and that I am not ready to write about yet, and well, mentally it’s exhausting.

As a result I don’t have the energy to keep the home as clean as I would like. My desk or the kitchen counter keeps getting cluttered, and I am letting it slip away from me which is stressing me out. But I can’t make myself deal with it. And the dust bunnies under the bed? Oh gosh they are plentiful and big.

I have thought about all of these things a lot. I am aware of them, and I do not plan to shy away from or ignore them. They can be worked through. But it is also important to remember that there will always be something in our life that needs work, that isn’t great. And that is okay. There is no “perfect life”. And we might even need some rough stuff to balance out the good, make it stand out. Would we appreciate the good things if that was all we had?