Am I putting beads on the wrong string?

I’ve found it hard to focus lately, and I have not felt very productive. In life nor work. I have been tired, my skin has felt dry, pale and see through. Then we watched ‘Stutz‘ on Netflix and I cannot recommend it enough. So many good tools for dealing with life was given, and so many things to ponder over. It sparked many good conversations between me and Dan, and we often paused to talk things through. We have decided we shall watch it again with notebooks.

On of the most useful tools for me was the analogy for life, with pearls on a string. Every little thing you do, is represented by putting a pearl on a string. When you’ve put it on, it’s time for the next. They are all the same size. No pearl is bigger or smaller, worth more or less. It’s just about continuing to put beads on. Meaning what exactly? Well, live life by actively do things. And once something is done, move on to the next thing. Different things in life should not be held by greater or smaller value. It’s just about moving forward. This way certain events can’t hit us the wrong way as easily, nor do we hold other things in to high of a regard.

For the last week this really helped me to simply do things. I was more productive and felt better. It also took me out of something I have been struggling with for longer. Attributing value to the wrong things. Lately I, who normally do not care much, have greatly felt that I need to look a certain way. I have felt bad for not working out and not being fit enough, and I have spent too much time looking at clothes to buy. Second hand of course, but it’s time spent on something that does not make me happy or is of value when it comes to me and who I am. But this analogy has helped with that, and moving forward I feel that my focus has shifted to caring more about how I feel. Not how I look.

What is important is to be strong and healthy. In body and in mind. And if I feel good, I look good.

On tuesday I sat in the sun, was very productive workwise, I worked out – to feel strong and alive. But today I fell. I hit a stop. I felt out of sorts. I cried at nothing, like the fact that we ran out of paper for the printer. So I laid down in bed because I simply had nothing to do, that I could do. And I fell asleep instantly even though I did not feel tired. The nap certainly helped, but I am still sitting here feeling… off. I do have my period, but it does not usually affect me like this.

I got a message today that reminded me of the many trips I did at the end of last year; How fun it was to share experiences in nature with people I like. To explore the craft of photography together. When I am outside with people hiking, fishing, taking photos, cooking or meandering – that’s when I shine as a photographer. I am able to capture people doing those things so well and I love it! Here, back home it’s just me. I don’t have anyone that work with photography and social media like me. No one to go on those outings with. I use myself in my photos. It felt especially hard today. I huge wave of loneliness hit me.

Eventually I started wondering if I am even putting pearls on the right string?

Am I stuck in the everyday wheel? Is my life meaningful – to me – right now? I work in front of a screen. I cook. I do a bad job keeping the house clean. Rinse and repeat. I don’t draw much. The last couple of times I’ve done pottery, it’s not gone well. I used to do it almost every day – now I never do it and as a result, when I get back into it, I can’t anymore. Did I put too much pressure on myself by coming up with all the things I want to sell, and by starting to build a webshop? I’ve been so focused on coming up with ways to have a bigger income so that we can afford to buy this house. And then what? I will continue to work in front of a screen, cook and try to keep the house clean? I am not outside nearly as much anymore. I don’t climb to the same extent. I have lost my hobbies a little bit.

I feel like… Like I want to uproot. Do something else. Do I want to live a simpler life again? At the same time the home I’ve built with Dan is a home I love and treasure dearly. Whenever I spend time with him, no matter what we are doing, I am truly happy. And Sundsvall feels like home too. So I don’t know what I would do instead, where I would want to be. I wish I didn’t need screens, or electronics. Or money for that matter. That hour when the power went out was so quiet and peaceful.

Most of the time I am a very easy going, positive person. It’s hard for me to fall into negativity. But I think that means that when I do have a dip, I go in deep – but also very intense. It’s been really hard today, but I have already worked through it. I needed to crash hard to rise back up. Tomorrow is a new day. Friday nonetheless. I shall put on good music and have a productive morning before finishing work early to pop into town for a quick tattoo, and maybe an after work beer with a friend.

I know I was on a good, creative path. I was making simple sketches every morning, I had started to read more and I spent my evenings with pottery. I just need to find my way back to that. Maybe the string is the right one, but I need to pick it back up, shift my focus slightly and start putting a few different pearls on it. Wanting something is not enough. I need to act on it. And I guess that is life? But first I need to finish a shit ton of book-keeping. And play a lot more Hogwarts Legacy.

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